The Greatest Threat Ever Faced by the Soul Society
by Oreithyia
Summary: No hollow, no espada, no betrayer, could ever be as horrifying, as noxious, or just plain mind-numbing as this threat to sanity: the Mary Sue. If you too would join the fight against seeing your favorite fandom destroyed, gear up and read on comrade.


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or anything associated with it whatsoever. Alas, and woe.

**An Emergency Dispatch to the 13 Protection Squads from Commander-General Yamamato-Genryusai Shigekuni**

Attention all personnel: We face a threat most dire, an evil unlike any ever encountered by the servants of the King of Soul Society. This evil is clever and cunning, able to pass unnoticed and unrecognized among the squads, wreaking havoc and leaving chaos, destruction, and horror in its wake. There is no limit to its deceitfulness, manipulation, or total lack of conscience.

And it appears to be in heat.

*****O*****

**Mission Report of Soifon, Captain of the Second Division**

I am deeply frustrated. Despite my best efforts, despite all my years of training and experience as a shinigami and training in the Special Forces, the threat continues to elude both the entirety of my squad and myself.

Omeada's failure was not a surprise, but surely _I_ can do better.

How can I believe myself ready to face Yoruichi-sama again if I cannot catch a simple intruder? All evidence suggests it is clueless, vapid, and predictable creature, yet I am unable to make contact with it.

It is as if some unseen power is preventing us from meeting at this time…

A pity. I would like to behead her and be done with it.

*****O*****

**Internal Dialogue of Sociopath Ichimaru Gin**

What the friggin' crap was that?!

I've seen some unholy stuff in my time, heck I did most of it myself, but never have I seen or felt anything like that abomination. I simply headed to the gate like I was supposed to an' there it was! I coulda' crapped myself!

Did Kurotsuchi let something escape from his lab? Has Aizen-sama been experimenting an' not tellin' me? Knowin' his tastes, if I have to compete with that for the title of 'Most Horrific', I am so screwed.

*****O*****

**Log of Captain of the Fourth Division, Unohana Retsu**

Lieutenant Kotetsu and I have made note of an unusual ailment afflicting the shinigami who have mobilized to face the intruders. Some of them have been brought to our division after facing the threat we were warned about by the First Division. It appears to be some form of mania. No two stories are alike.

One man adoringly claims a tall beauty with flowing blonde hair called Destiny who appears to be a rogue shinigami with powers unmatched. Another blissfully accounts a stunning green-eyed, redheaded 'Lady Quincy' announcing herself as Isabella or possible as Anastasia. Yet another says she is a hauntingly beautiful American exchange student from an abusive home with knowledge of the future.* A fourth lovingly reports she is the long lost sister of Captain Hitsugaya named Kikyo, or Megumi, or Sakura, she couldn't seem to make up her mind, and engaged is to Kuchiki Byakuya.

All of them seem to be hopelessly delusional at this time and speak near deliriously of her beauty and skill while simultaneously recounting how her male companions heroically rescued her after she failed to protect herself.

Truly, this creature and its abilities are baffling. As for my numerous patients, I only hope I can relieve suffering and restore their sanity.

_* I wanted to ask him how he obtained this information in the middle of a battle, but I felt he had been traumatized enough._

*****O*****

**Diary of Hinamori Momo**

This is truly a chaotic time in the Seireitei. Even Captain Aizen himself seems taken mildly aback by the news of the intruders. One of them, the latest reports describe a platinum blonde, violet eyed thin young woman with a bosom to rival Lieutenant Matsumoto (then how does she not fall on her face?) declares loudly we are all victims of a conspiracy and needed to listen to her as immediate action needed to be taken, then she tearfully watched the unknown shinigami among the intruders battle Madarame Ikkaku of the Eleventh Division.

I thought I heard Captain Aizen mutter something that sounded like "kill her slowly for this". Surely it is my imagination.

*****O*****

**Journal of Kuchiki Byakuya**

If I receive one more mocking engagement gift from the Head of a rival clan I will not be responsible for my actions. Even my Lieutenant snickers to himself when he believes I am not listening. Although, I am sure he knows I know of everything that goes on in my Division, thus he does it deliberately.

I sincerely hope I have the opportunity to face the intruder personally. This period of great personal tragedy is much to bear, and I am tired of lacking an outlet for my anger.

Time to track down my would be fiancée, Octavia, Brittany, Brittania…

It doesn't matter!

…

Where is my Lieutenant?

*****O*****

**Seventh Division Record by Iba Tetsuzaemon**

I encountered the creature while searching for the intruders with the other members of my division. I was only able to observe its behavior and effects on its counterparts from a distance, and for this I am grateful.

What is that thing? Its own allies were at a loss as to how to react to it. The rogue shinigami and what looked like a Quincy seemed hopelessly enamored with it, making ill-timed and irrational declarations of love using dubious grammar, yet when the battle forced them to move a significant distance from her (it?), they seemed to come to their senses and attempt to flee only to be drawn back in by her tears.

Her beautiful, crystalline tears. More glorious than the stars themselves…

No! I must be strong! Think of something else. Omaeda's B.O. Captain Komamaru's shower drain. The Captain Commander naked.

Returning to duty.

*****O*****

**Note to Self by Ise Nanao**

I observed my Captain in combat with one of the intruders, and found him to be both noble and honorable. He was driven by loyalty to his friends, of a compassionate disposition, and had a genuine desire to do the right thing, even if it may cost him his life.

What is the evil creature doing around him? Is she hoping to taint him? That _cow_!

EDIT: Now, now, Nanao-chan, no need to be so harsh. It doesn't suit your sweet face.

EDIT: Wearing a tacky robe that makes it look like someone killed and skinned their Grandmother's couch and being a general slacker doesn't suit you but that's never stopped you, Captain. And stay away from my paperwork if you're not going to actually help with it.

EDIT: Ouch. So cold…

*****O*****

**Personal Journal of Hisagi Shuhei**

I have always held to the philosophy passed on to me by Captain Tousen that one who does not fear their sword is not fit to weld one, but my encounter today has left me never more grateful for the ability to kill things in my life!

I discovered the hard way that 4th Seat Ayasegawa Yumichika of the Tenth Division has a shikai capable of draining reiatsu, but we were halted mid-combat by the appearance of that _thing_. Ayasegawa and I both completely lost our senses at its beguiling words. Declaring the most beautiful thing we had ever seen (and we all know what that means coming from Yumichika), and resolved to follow her in her noble quest, whatever it was supposed to be. My head is still fuzzy. I owe my eternal gratitude to Captain Hitsugaya and Lieutenant Matsumoto for rescuing both Ayasegawa and I from that monstrosity's sorcery.

I have never been more thankful for a bash on the back off my head in my life. Now where did I put that aspirin?

*****O*****

**Message Issued by Tenth Division Captain Hitsugaya**

For the last time I don't have a sister! Or a girlfriend! Or a female version of myself from an alternate universe or the future that has somehow come to "make things right"! I order everyone under my authority to stop spreading and supporting these and other speculations and detrimental rumors at once!

Matsumoto, this means you.

*****O*****

**Eleventh Division Report by Captain Zaraki Kenpachi**

Today I got my jewels handed to me by some girl that was less mature than Yachiru and who wasn't even clear on her own name. Guess what happens to anyone who mentions it.

'Nuff said.

*****O*****

**Recorded Observations of Kurotsuchi Mayuri**

What a pathetic and tiresome group of shinigami we have trained in recent years if this is the furthest extent of their abilities to successfully, even competently, face off against a small, weak, and hopelessly inferior opponent trapped without means of escape within our very own walls. I shall most certainly compose a letter of complaint detailing the shortcomings of our current program once I have regained solidity.

To think, after so many reports, after so many worries and whispers, after so many verified and supposedly credible accounts of this creature traveling with the intruders flawlessly enthralling all males it comes across into becoming hopelessly enamored with whatever form its capricious shape-shifting had settled upon, I should myself be so hopelessly disappointed by the objectivity and faithfulness of the accounts relayed by my so called colleagues.

'Enchanting' my interchangeable eye! It had no effect whatsoever on me. And why did it look so disgusted when I sensibly suggested it at least try to make me fall in love with it?

*****O****

**Letter from Captain Ukitake Jushiro to Captain Kurotsuchi Mayuri**

I have in my possession something that might be of interest to you.

I was feeding my koi fish when a strange and most piteous monstrosity of a girl approached me. It claimed it had miraculous powers of healing and clairvoyance (in far less elegant terms), and was at my estates to heal me and audaciously said it would restore my departed Lieutenant Shiba Kaien to life!

Naturally, I immediately subdued the creature I had been warned of before it could do more harm as it reached me.

It is currently sedated, but in consideration of the current state of upheaval, and pleas from those it had ben forcibly accompanying, I dare not simply turn it over to be placed in a jail cell and recuperate for interrogation. The danger is too great. I feel instead it is my duty to place it where it cannot cause any trouble. I therefore offer it to you to be obtained at your earliest convenience.

Regards

PS – Remember to enjoy yourself.


End file.
